Since i started blogging at 15, i have felt the need to hide a little. Just little parts of me that i feel people wouldn't like. I was always and still am paranoid about being judged. About other people reading my blog and thinking badly of me. It makes me feel anxious everyday that someone doesn't like me. This stems from way back from when i was younger and that feeling of not really being wanted and just being left to my own thoughts which, in time, were my downfall. I wanted everyone to love and like me so much and would do anything i could to try and have that feeling that i was. I am the biggest people pleaser and this, along with my anxiety, doesn't help me at all.
As the years have gone on, i have tried to let go a little and be more personal and to write more personal posts. But i felt they got lost within my blog and my voice was never really heard. I didn't shout it out. I wrote and then hid the posts away. I created two separate instagram accounts. One for my more candid moments and my main one that i would use as my creative outlet. I so desperatly want to combine those two but it is something that scares me more than it should. That feeling of exposing myself to more people. Exposing more of me and who i really am. But i am so desperate to show more of myself. To be more personal. To spend days having online conversations with people. Just normal chat. Talking about tv programmes. Talking about every day life.
My everyday ordinary moments. My moments that are not a picture perfect moment. My moments were the girls are misbehaving and are running around and around the living room screaming at the tops of their voices whilst being chased by an over excited dog. Those moments. I want to share them. They are the moments that make up 90% of my day. The moments were i get home from the school run, lay on the sofa with my duvet and watch reruns of dance moms and say yes to the dress all day. Not achieving anything but needing those quiet moments. Those moments where i do my "happy gallop dance" when i get excited about things or pinch peoples arms because i cannot contain my happiness over something. Those moments where i start my exercise regime about 10 times every month. I then give up, feel awful about myself and then vow to start again the next day for it to only end the same way. It WILL happen but i am not putting too much pressure on myself right now. I have lots of baggy autumn cosy clothes to hide in so i am not too bothered right now ;)
Those moments where i go to a meet with lots of other bloggers and i instantly panic and then have to scan the room to find someone i know because i haven't taken the time to get to know everyone i talk to online. This is a big change i am making now. I follow and talk to so many wonderful people online and i want to take the time to talk to them, to get to know them and to attend more events so i can meet new people.
I want to make a change. I want to be more approachable and not hide myself away, making everything all about the girls. Five days a week now, the girls are both at school and it IS just me and i need to make changes to include myself in this blog. I want to start doing face to camera videos (this is a big scary thing for me as i hate most things about my face and my voice) and i want to talk about more of what i am doing instead of what the girls are doing. I am using snapchat (username is gingerlillytea) as my more "candid" platform right now. To capture those just normal everyday moments without worrying about a filter or who will see it. Please bear with me while i find my way. While i take off these layers and while I find out who i really am without the girls being around me.
My everyday ordinary moments. My moments that are not a picture perfect moment. My moments were the girls are misbehaving and are running around and around the living room screaming at the tops of their voices whilst being chased by an over excited dog. Those moments. I want to share them. They are the moments that make up 90% of my day. The moments were i get home from the school run, lay on the sofa with my duvet and watch reruns of dance moms and say yes to the dress all day. Not achieving anything but needing those quiet moments. Those moments where i do my "happy gallop dance" when i get excited about things or pinch peoples arms because i cannot contain my happiness over something. Those moments where i start my exercise regime about 10 times every month. I then give up, feel awful about myself and then vow to start again the next day for it to only end the same way. It WILL happen but i am not putting too much pressure on myself right now. I have lots of baggy autumn cosy clothes to hide in so i am not too bothered right now ;)
Those moments where i go to a meet with lots of other bloggers and i instantly panic and then have to scan the room to find someone i know because i haven't taken the time to get to know everyone i talk to online. This is a big change i am making now. I follow and talk to so many wonderful people online and i want to take the time to talk to them, to get to know them and to attend more events so i can meet new people.
I want to make a change. I want to be more approachable and not hide myself away, making everything all about the girls. Five days a week now, the girls are both at school and it IS just me and i need to make changes to include myself in this blog. I want to start doing face to camera videos (this is a big scary thing for me as i hate most things about my face and my voice) and i want to talk about more of what i am doing instead of what the girls are doing. I am using snapchat (username is gingerlillytea) as my more "candid" platform right now. To capture those just normal everyday moments without worrying about a filter or who will see it. Please bear with me while i find my way. While i take off these layers and while I find out who i really am without the girls being around me.
There is nothing better than finding our way to ourselves. I've been searching all my life but in the last 4 years have really been able to move beyond my fears (sometimes) to be my real self all the time and not hide. It's okay. We'll love you no matter what. :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm working on that exercise thing too. I use an app called MyFitnessPal. If you are on it and need a friend for it, I'm on as spiritwitch523.
blessings
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Thank you very much Laura. I feel this post has given myself permission to be more open and be more myself. x
DeleteI love this post and can relate so much. This is what stopped me from blogging for so long but I made a decision to do it and although it is 100% the right one I still get so worried about not being liked I find it hard in blogging circles but I am trying too. I will look forward to seeing more of the you you want to share X
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your lovely comment. It is so hard isn't it. I just want to allow myself to be me. This blog is me but there is so many more layers as well to who i am and i hardly show myself. I am looking forward to moving on with this and allowing myself to step out a little more x
DeleteTHat makes perfect sense to me - I'm trying to work my way up to doing actual speaking vlogs - I managed one with my hands in which was a start! And yes to the promising myself I'll start exercising - I'm eating ice cream as I write which probably tells you how that's going at the moment!
ReplyDeleteThank you Carie. I am looking forward to this new chapter. Just allowing myself to step out a little more and write a little more about what i am doing x
DeleteI can really relate to everything you have said above. I suffer with anxiety and I really panic about the small things, and i worry that if I told anyone they would think I was being silly! I often write posts but dont post them or dont promote them. My mission this year is to get in front of the camera instead of behind it and have more photos of me with the children, and my other mission is to share my blog with my friends who still don't know about it. And I am hiding under baggy autumn clothes too as I just cant find the motivation. Good luck with your plan, it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there, I am sure that you will be fab at vlogging xx
ReplyDeleteHello Hannah. My too. My anxiety affects what i do because i am terrified of being hated. That is such a great mission for you. Let's move forward together. This post is like my permission to myself to let this happen. To allow myself to share more of who i am and what i do when the girls are at school. x
DeleteFirst, I love, love the giggly photos. Second, you are lovely. Amazing. Germany would not have been the same or nearly as much fun without you. I felt instantly at ease with you from the moment we met and you're a beautiful person, inside and out. Don't hide away - but also don't throw everything out there because you think you owe people. You don't, you're perfect as you are. The people that matter will get close and get to know you, and love you. Just like I do :) xxxxx
ReplyDeleteI loved this post. Quite often as bloggers we can fall into a pattern of sharing the picture perfect moments, of promoting blog posts and losing the ordinary bits of our lives online - not talking about them and not talking to other people. We lose the conversation. For me, I used to chat on Twitter all the time when I started blogging but now I hardly have time to make conversation so I do it in the UKPB Facebook group instead, and I get to know people that way but it's also about commenting on blogs, replying to comments on our FB pages and IG accounts and just chatting at times. I can't wait to see more of you under the duvet in front of TV watching the trash that we all love and being in front of the camera too x
ReplyDeleteOh KA I love this. I think you should. I think we all should and maybe we would feel that anxiety and pressure to have the perfect photos and everyone love us and love our blogs and panicking when we feel they don't. I am SOOO much like this very post you have written. The anxiety and the people pleaser aspects together are exhausting. I know what you mean. I am so so scared to step out of my comfort zone but if I don't it will kill me or break me at least and everything I worked hard for will disappear so I am trying my best to break out of my comfort zone now too and it's hard to merge those two lives together I know. For me, it's hard for me to know my neighbors and the school moms at the gate know what I do and read it and judge me. I shouldn't think like that. It's a slow steady process if we take baby steps it shouldn't be that hard should it? I don't know I am on this same journey with you girl. I truly am. I think your blog is amazing, your photos are amazing, your heart is amazing your kindness and your support to others is truly exceptional as are you lovely. Tell yourself this every day and the rest won't matter. (hopefully) I am testing out this new internal intervention myself. I am here if you ever need anything at all.
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