Tuesday 26 May 2015

September, please don't come

It's 11:20pm as i write this. I put up a tweet about half an hour ago saying that i was wrestling with myself to wake up Mia to bring her in with me. I just felt this intense feeling of missing her and i have been thinking about September all evening. I have this huge sadness in my heart. Just after i wrote the tweet, i heard a little cry in her room. She was calling for me. I called back out and heard her open her door followed by a "where are you mama?" i went into the hall way to scoop her up and placed her next to me in bed. She asked for her lullaby straight away so i have put on Wanderlust by Elle Graham. It is her favourite and mine too. Our special song together. It is on repeat and i can hear her whispering it as she lays next to me. I keep looking over at her little face. She has tiny freckles all across her nose. Her tongue keeps sticking out as she smiles at me. Her eyes. Her disney eyes as we call them. They are so big and round. So blue. I cannot believe this tiny little girl will become a big girl in September. She will follow her sister into school and i will be left with no children at home. I am really struggling with this. It was hard enough sending Elle to school but i knew i still had Mia with me. When Mia goes, that is it. I am not ready. Not at all. I joke about having all this time to myself but inside, i am struggling. Alot. I have invested every part of myself into my girls since the second Elle was born nearly 7 years ago. I have always had them with me. I have had a purpose. I just cannot get my head around the fact that in just a few months time, for 6 hours a day, my girls will be together at school in this whole new world. A whole new world without their mama. I won't be apart of this world and i will be left at home without tiny hands around my neck every few minutes.

How am i going to ever be ok with this. How do you prepare yourself? I keep turning my head to look at Mia. She is so sleepy and just keeps smiling at me. Elle is a big daddy's girl but Mia is a mummys girl. She relies on me for everything. She needs me and i need her. She is amazing. She is the funniest thing and such a loving little girl. Will her teacher see that? Will her teacher know everything little thing about her? The tears are going to come on and off for the next few months. People have said to me that it is a great time, that i get to do what i want. That i am free but i don't feel any of that. I don't want to be. I want to keep them at home, to homeschool but i know that i cannot do that and both of them are very social butterflies. It wouldn't be right to keep them at home just because i don't want to let them go because i don't think that day will ever come where i feel happy with letting them go.

Mia is still so much of a baby. Elle was more than ready to start school. She was so confident and hardly needed me. She would sit and do workbooks and ask every day when she can go to school bit Mia still has a baby voice. She cannot possibly go to school when she still has a baby voice. She cannot say certain sounds still and needs lots of cuddles and reassurance. She still needs me and i won't be able to be there for her. You know, it might get to September and she will bloom and be such an independent little girl but, right now, she isn't. Maybe i am trying to make excuses for the way i am feeling. Does every mother go through these emotions. Do they cry at the most inconvenient times when they think about that month? I cannot control how i feel.

Recently, i have been having terrible dreams and i know it is because i am dreading her going to school. I have been dreaming about her being trapped in a house fire and i cannot get to her and i have dreamt about her going missing but, just last night, i had the worst of them all and i woke up so panicky and upset. I dreamt that i was driving with her in the car and we crashed into a lake. I couldn't open her door to get her out and she drowned. The dream was so vivid. I was pulling her door as hard as i could and she was just looking at me with her arms out in her car seat. I had to go up to the surface to take in air and i had to leave her in the car at the bottom of the lake. Even just typing it makes me feel sick. These dreams won't go away and i think about them all day which leave me with this horrid feeling in my tummy. I think having her close tonight and next to me will help.

So September. I am not happy about you coming up so fast. I won't be counting down the days until you get here. I guess you will be here really soon but please don't expect me to be happy to see you.


  1. Such a heart felt post. My youngest is starting school in September too. I am embracing it as much as i can although i haven't wanted to finally admit is she growing up. Miss M is looking forward to it so that is what is keeping me smiling xx

  2. I am a homeschooling mama, so I'm biased. I think its not right for little ones to be separated from their families at such a young age. But I know many people disagree with me, so no judgment intended. I wonder, does Mia have to go to school in September? Perhaps she would benefit from a few more months or another year at home? As her mother, you know - is she ready? Is some of your dread not only because you're not ready, but you instinctively feel she's not either?

    I have to say, homeschooling offered my family the best socialising opportunities during the young years. We had so much wonderful, magical fun with other families, and sometimes it was difficult to fit studies in amongst all the socialising! I am not one of those mothers who feels I lost myself in motherhood - quite the opposite - so it was my privilege and joy to homeschool. I'm not saying you should do it, only letting you know that you aren't alone or strange in how you feel. ((Hugs))

  3. Maybe you should see it as an opportunity for her to grow into a more independent girl and help her become stronger, and is also an opportunity for you to have more time to yourself, to learn to be alone and learn to enjoy it doing the things that you love. Also Mia has Elle to look up for similar experiences and help so don't be too worried about that. (I'm not a mom so sorry if I'm not helping u >.<)

  4. This has made me have tears falling down my face. Although I still will have LL at home, I am so not ready for Mads to go to school. I am dreading it. And I keep thinking I am being absolutely ridiculous, that every child goes to school and that I need to harden up a bit. But I can't help it, I just don't want this part of our lives to be over. I don't want to lose my big girl, even though I know I won't properly lose her, I know that a little part of her will grow up and lose her innocence, and I am not ready to accept that.


  5. I found it harder when my second went to school. My first was more than ready and he couldn't wait to get to school but with my second I thought my baby really isn't a baby any more. Unfortunately time does go so fast and I'm sure you are going to make wonderful memories before September comes.

  6. Such a beautiful post, Keri-Anne. My daughter goes to school in September too, although I'm used to her not being around that much because she goes to pre-school 4 days a week. It's going to be hard though, come September, although I think I'll feel sadder saying goodbye to her nursery as it's been such a big part of our lives for 4 years. Change is hard!!

  7. My eldest is going off to school in September and I am dreading it. He may be the oldest of my babies, but he is still just a baby and I am loving this period of our lives where I am their world and we are so free.

  8. Aww it's just so heartbreaking isn't it? My eldest is off to School in September and he sounds so much like how Elle was, independent. He loves going to Nursery (has even asked to go in half term!). But I'm definitely going to struggle losing him in Sept, going to feel like I barely see him and I know it'll mean I can have more one-on-one time with my youngest but I can already feel guilt for not enough equal time between them both. X

  9. My eldest starts school in September, and although I'll still have two at home, I'm realising that this is the beginning of a new chapter. I'm excited for her, but sad for me, because up until now, its just been us... Ir little unit, and Ava will be spreading her wins and leaving us five days a week and I know I'm going to find that so hard. But your little Mia will thrive... She will... And I'm sure you will look back and wonder how you ever doubted if she would be ready. She will make you proud and she will always be your baby girl - school or no school. Much love.xxx

  10. I must be a hardened mum because I rarely feel this at all. Must be so hard having those emotions.

    For me it's more practical concern and worry, how I'm actually going to get N to school (he usually is at nursery from 8 or 8.30 depending on the day), because there's no breakfast club, so I won't be able to do my working hours starting at 8.30 (and 9, 2 days a week). And then afterwards, I expect he'll want to do clubs after school, but won't be able to because he'll have to go to afterschool club back at his nursery again, because the school clubs finish before 5, which means there's noone to pick him up from there. So logistics are my major worry that as he grows he won't necessarily be able to do the after school things that he may want to do (unless he does the same as his cousin - unlikely, so I can get my sister in law to combine the 2 pick ups). But then it won't coordinate with the notice I need to give nursery to chance times/days from one half term to the next.

    I know he'll love it once he gets there. He loves nursery, loves being with friends and will love being in the same school as his cousins. I'm not sure he's ready for learning yet! But my view is that it's the next step in life, I've done what I can before this step, and now it's time for him to take some of the learning responsibility and growing up for himself.

    I'm sure I'll still be astounded when September 2nd comes around though, and he's in a blue uniform instead of his red nursery jumper.

  11. Home educate the girls! Best choice we ever made. Neither of my children have ever been to school



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