This year has been so hard for everyone and I have really taken a step back to find myself and find out what I want from the future. I have spent my whole teenage and adult life suffering with severe anxiety and not dealing with trauma I have suffered. My coping mechanisms were to turn the pain onto myself and self sabotage but, having time at home and with my little family this year because of lockdowns has been the best therapy for me. I am finally happy with myself, I have been dealing with the trauma and making my world a better place for myself to be in. I have felt so a change and I am happy.
I have made so many goals over the years. Written words on here about my dreams and future plans and I haven't been able to follow through with any of them. I just wasn't ready and I was constantly battling with self doubt and anxiety which, in turn, stopped me from being able to finish anything I started.
In October, I decided to take a day to myself. I drove to the Peak District which is around two hours from me. I climbed over hills and sat by a waterfall and I hardy saw another person. I really loved being by myself and used that time and the time driving to try and think of small and achievable things for me. I last wrote back in August about wanting to start up my youtube channel and that is still a goal of mine. I won't put pressure on myself and will just let the filming and videos come naturally.
I loved just being away from the rest of the world. As I sat by the waterfall, the mist rolled in around me. It felt like it was just hiding me and keeping me safe in that space. I cannot explain content and peaceful I felt. It is a place I will return to often now just to keep myself grounded.
Even though I haven't written here for a while, I miss sharing my thoughts. I spend a lot of time over on Instagram and will be starting the new year off sharing my thoughts, photographs and mini films.
Have the most wonderful Christmas!
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