On my heart

I have recently been asked about why i blog. I wanted to answer it and i wanted to open my heart a little. I seem to always put myself in a vulnerable position but i guess its ok sometimes to share those things that show that everything isnt always perfect and that you really are just human. I have had lots of comments on instagram recently about people wishing they were like me. I'm far far far from perfect and i spend 99% of my time wishing i was others!

When i was younger, i was the most outgoing and confident person. I had absoutly no cares in the world and i admit, i was a little obnoxious and a bit of a show off. As i grew older, i seemed to become more of an introvert and to be frank, a door mat! I always let people tell me what to do, how i should be, how i shouldnt be and i just seem to do what people want me to for fear of being unliked or getting into an confrontation.
I started a livejournal blog when i was a teenager. It was a big creative outlet and i could share what i wanted to and write what i wanted to. I switched over to blogger to start afresh after i had Elle. My life had changed completely and i wanted a new blog to share my new life.

After i had Mia, i really wanted to start a blog where i could document our lifes and memories. I have lots of memories as a child but they seem to be so muddled and i get so frustrated trying to figure out if what i remember actually happened. I tend to blur 4 or 5 different memories into one and wonder why no one else remembers what i am talking about. I wanted the girls to see what we did and for them to read how much i really do love them.

Having people around the world following my blog and actually wanting to read what i write is a big deal to me. I admit now, i am lonely. I have my girls 24 hours a day but my husband works long hours and some days, i just dont feel like going for walks along the river or feel like making a teepee in the front room for us to hide in. Somedays we just slouch on the sofa, watching disney junior and reading books. And most days it is just us.
Having people comment and email and talk to me online seems to make me realise that i am not really alone. I know having a blog isnt all about how many followers you have and how many comments you get. I have recently changed my URL of my blog, so most of the followers i had before wont be able to find my new posts and i feel a little silly but i am glad i did it.

I have no idea where i am really going with this post. I think sometimes you need to write down all the jumble in your head to have it make sense for youself, no matter what the people reading will think of you. I wish i could just be one of those mummies who could walk into a mums and tots for the first time and sit down with other mums and make friendships, or one of those mummies who schedules playdates with other mummies you meet in the park because your little ones are playing together. I think i need someone to hold my hand and drag me to these places so i can meet other people and not feel so alone at times, or like i have nothing to really offer my friends. Recently, when i have plucked up the courage to set up playdates, i think i seem to do something wrong because afterwards, nothing comes from it and i feel like i must be a horrible person for people not to want to see me.

I really want to work on myself. I want to feel good about myself and happier and have time to do things i love so that i can be alot better mummy to the girls. I would love to be able to just my family up and move out to the country and be surrounded by everything we love like forests and rivers and meadows. To be able to breath clean air and wake up to birds singing and not to the sound of lorries and police cars speeding past your house.

Thank you so much to everyone who reads my blog. I appreciate every comment and every follower and i am so greatful to you all.