Wednesday 12 October 2011

On my heart

Today, i want to share my honesty. I have never really written about myself and who i am here. I tend to hide behind the girls, but most of the time, that is just how i like it.
This post is going to share what is on my heart. Inspired by a few of my favourite bloggers who have been brave enough to put themselves out there to be judged. So here i am, writing from my heart, hoping not to be judged.

I believe that i am a very complicated person. I don't have alot of self esteem. I think i can be very hard to read and i am the best at covering up how i really feel.
I dont remember much from my childhood. I blocked alot of those years out. Things just crumbled and fell apart for me from a very young age. I craved love as i never really belonged or felt like i belonged anywhere. I had the cruelest things happen and i didnt deal with them well. I spent years self harming and have had some sort of eating disorder since the age of 11. It's a battle i will always fight and its something that is completely frightening. I will constantly worry about the girls falling into the world but i will always try my hardest to keep them safe and protected and loved.

I have a passion for anything creative but i am such a perfectionist that sometimes i am scared to start a project knowing that it wont be to the standard that i want it to be. I am a jealous person and very obbessive over things. I hate most pictures of myself and wish i didnt. I constantly take pictures of me and my love and my girls but end up deleating at least 99% of them. I read other peoples blogs and wish i had their lives, or looked like them or was as talented as them. I am very hard on my self and defiantly believe in the phrase "the grass is greener on the otherside".

I had a miscarriage when i was 18 and i constantly dream about what that little child would be like. My heart hurts so much when i think about him or her but i never talk about it. I feel extreme guilt as i remember crying when i found out that my husband and i were pregnant. I didnt want to be pregnant and didnt know what to do. After a few weeks, the excitement began to grow and i felt so much love for that little baby but then it went and i feel so much guilt that i didnt want the baby to begin with. I feel like i killed it! Like the baby felt unwanted so just left.

I put too much pressure on myself. I want to be the best person i possibly can and i hate that i feel like i have to be perfect at everything. I want to be the mum who makes the best cakes, i want to be the mum who makes all her childrens clothes, i want to be the mum who photographs her children constantly, i want to be the mum who has a spotless house and always has pies or soups cooking in the kitchen and i want to have the most love anyone could ever have for their husband and children. I hold myself up on a pedestal and scrutinise every single detail about my life and there is always conflict in my head about if i am good enough or not.

I am very paranoid. I constantly think people hate me and worry all the time about what i have done wrong. I worry people think i am strange or weird because of how i am and how i have chosen to bring my children up. I pick over every single word someone says to me to try and work out how they feel about me. I take things to heart so quickly and easily and often torture myself with words or sentances from others that i take completely out of context.
I am the least confrontational person in the world. I have never had an argument with my husband because i can never get out how i feel. i just collaspe into tears. I panic over talking to strangers. It will take me atleat half an hour to pluck up the couage to call up the doctors for an appointment and you will never get me to call for a takeaway! i would be a stumbling mess!

I am in love with anything that reminds me of being a child. Beatrix Potter, Enid Blyton, Brambly Hedge.

My favourite films are the Children of green knowe and A fairytale: A true story

My favourite music is Pink Floyd, Hannah Fury, The Honeytrees and Kate Bush

So, this is a huge step for me. I havent shared alot about my childhood on purpose. I love my family and i dont want to share details and upset anyone. Its in the past and something that has made me stronger. Maybe one day i will share some of the things that others did to me but at my moment, its a little frightening to think about completely stripping myself away but i hope i will be strong enough to share one day.

i havent proof checked this as i dont want to re-read it. I just wrote what i felt at this particular moment and shared what i felt i wanted to. I am opening myself up here but please be kind.

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  1. i am sitting here with tears in my eyes. it took a lot of courage to share yourself with us. your honestly and open heart is very interesting and refreshing. i mostly hope that by writing this you felt some sort of relief...some sort of lifting i really do because you deserve it! you are a beautiful person inside and out and you have such a beautiful and wonderful family and that is a blessing beyond blessings. i wish you all that is good in the world and i hope you can share yourself more and more with the world and someday realize how wonderful you are. may i tell you that even though it is great to make the best cake -- the most fabulous clothes and keep the cleanest house in the world for your children...none of that is really important -- as long as you give them your heart to keep for an eternity and are always there for them with open heart and open mind...well all of the other stuff just pales in comparison. you have touched my heart and i wish you the best day ever! (ps...i don't proof what i write either : )
    hugs...andrea -- family and doxies (heaven and earth)

  2. you are such a beautiful person, inside and out. (and even more so for being so raw and honest.)

  3. Aww you are such a lovely person and an amazing mummy, Thank You for sharing your story with us :)
    x x x x

  4. i am younger than you, but i understand most of the things you said, and, in some aspects, i am similar to you. i always thought you'd be a beautiful, beautiful person, like someone that is like an angel, someone quiet and silent that look after the people one likes.
    i hope you have a good night, c:

  5. Its good to share, and you know, in a lot of what you talked about you are not alone....I think your girls are precious and I love love LOVE your photography, you are a really uniquely talented human being Mrs P but as we know, sometimes the burden of the creatives and the talented and all that whirring brain power they have can manifest itself in ways others might think odd. xxxxxxxx

  6. "I constantly take pictures of me and my love and my girls but end up deleating at least 99% of them. I read other peoples blogs and wish i had their lives, or looked like them or was as talented as them...".
    I know the feeling. Sometimes we get the impression other people's lives are so perfect. They're not.
    I loved this post. You're so sweet and I guess you should definitely write more about yourself. It would be a great exercise for you and a huge delight to your readers. I really mean it.

    My husband is watching tv right next to me and he's just said: these are such beautiful pictures!

  7. Me and Uncle and J. and Grandma will always love you, just as you are. You are very special to us and a wonderful person. We feel very lucky to have you in our lives.
    You can come to talk to us whenever you want to.
    You are not alone in your feelings - I can identify with nearly all you said. Like, reading others' blogs & wanting to be them - I remember feeling like that when I was younger. Somehow I don't any more - I think I am finally happy with my life (most of the time) and am content to be me. But I used to be far less content, much less confident. I don't like conflict either - no idea how to cope with it, I either get tearful, or angry - neither is helpful. Just today I was telling myself I'm a coward and I am useless at saying/doing the right things when the situation is difficult.
    But I'm able to accept myself better now and forgive myself for my failings - I didn't grow up as strong and wise as I'd have liked, but I'm still learning and growing...
    We are here and we love you. You are special and talented - and quite, quite normal (in a special talented kind of way!). XXX

  8. Do you know that you already are the best Mum? Your little girls will always think so.
    You seem to me like the kind of Mummy a little girl would be proud of, like a beautiful fairy Mummy.
    Carry on being you. Your pictures are gorgeous. You are fine as you are. xxx

  9. You are so brave for sharing! Thank you for sharing your heart. You are so genuine and a lovely friend, mama, wife, and so much more. We're all blessed to read your heart!

  10. What a step of faith to write all that down. It must feel scary, but I hope a little liberating. =) Your pictures are beautiful!

  11. I'm sit here in tears... you're really brave person and so special. You're such a great mum and a very talent artist. You inspire me each time I read one of your posts or if a see one of your beautiful pictures. You should be really proud of yourself, darling. Thank you for sharing this... xxx

  12. Wow, how could anyone find anything mean to say about such a beautiful post? I don't think you have to worry about that.

    These photos. A-MAZ-ING. Like, blow me away amazing. These are frameable. It's hard to reconcile these beautiful self-portraits with the fact that you don't think you're good enough. Although god knows we all feel this way about ourselves.

    Big hugs. I love you and your blog. The grass is greenest in your loving home, just ask your girls. :-)

  13. What a lovely person and an amazing mommy! Thank You for sharing your story with us.

  14. This was a very courageous and beautiful post. I love your blog, admire your creativity, and am always touched by your photos and stories of your wonderful daughters and family. So, please, you're more than just "good enough" :)

  15. I am hoping that as you get older you will feel more confident in yourself. I know my confidence has grown with age even though i still have to fight shyness sometimes. Try and keep in mind that you are only on this planet once (possibly unless I get my wish and turn into a butterfly :-)) - try not to judge yourself but enjoy every moment as a child does - seeing magic in the smallest of things.

    Wishing you were like other people - hhmmm I think you should pop round mine and see my messy house, me losing my temper and shouting at the kiddies when I don't want to etc etc - none of that is on my blog (well not often) but it is here, in real life :-) xxx

  16. Keri-Anne,
    i wish you could see yourself through other peoples eyes and realise just how exquisitely lovely you really are. For many people - myself included - yours is the blog we look at and think, "i wish i could be as good/talented as her.."
    You are a true gem. i hope that some day you'll grow to realise that.
    Love xo

  17. Absolutely in love with this post. Maybe one day I can open up too. But for now, I find strength in your courage and want you to know that you are incredibly beautiful inside and out.

    p.s. I think i told you already but there is an award for you on my blog :)

  18. You are creating such a beautiful world for your little fairies. I think one of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child is a magical world view! You are so special for being able to do this and I think your path to now with all of it's unfortunate bumps along the way has helped you to do it even better. Maybe you can take some comfort in that.

    And while I do not have children of my own (yet) I still very much relate to and enjoy your blog and creative endeavors. So the thought of you comparing yourself to other blogger parents make me a bit sad.... it is your genuineness, individuality, creative spirit, and other traits that one does not always find in "family" type blogs (and why I don't often follow them) that makes you so appealing to people in all different stages of their lives. I hope you understand what I mean? You are a rare bird, and it shines through, you don't need to compare yourself to anyone else.

    And as for your photography, you are able to create a style and a world that is very much unique to you. There are familiar things in the photos, things we all can relate to from childhood, but you are able to make the images your own unique poetry. I have seen that kind of style copied so many times, but it lacks that certain special something that your's have. What you have my dear, is talent.

  19. I am a new follower and just want to say that you are such a creative and beautiful person! (as many are saying!) Thank you so much for trusting us to share yourself to. I love this post and look forward to reading more of your blog!

  20. You are a beautiful woman, oozing with talent and style and creativity and sweetness. We all have insecurities... Thanks for sharing your heart. HUGS!

  21. I think we all try to be that "perfect" mother, but realistically we should just be happy and confident knowing we are being the best mum we can be. Having pies in the oven doesn't make a good mother, having a child who feels loved and secure does.

    You sound like a beautiful person and sharing what is on your heart helps those who don't have the strength to do it themselves and realise they are not alone. Thankyou



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